Brandon 2A Brief History of Halloween: Now with 55% more Satan!
October 29th 2007 20:43
Demonic Pumpkin Child Eats Your Soul
Almost everyone in the world knows about Halloween. Once a year it comes knocking on your door in the form of a child possessed by the devil and craving sweet satisfaction from within your dwelling. Naturally you accomodate the little demon or suffer some kind of inconvenient wrath at the hands of Eggs or Toilet Paper.
Yet what most people don't know is the underlying truth to Halloween or even how the ritualistic and satan infested Holiday first began. That story... is far more epic and reveals a disturbing truth that is present even today. However - to fully grasp the terror of "The Ween" we must first take a look at how it began....
Jesus and Lucifer buzzed and smashing pumpkin children.
Seen in this Photograph drunk and disorderly. Jesus and the Devil back in 1982 got hammered on October 31st to celebrate Jesus' recent graduation and the success of his first published book "The Bible". Now it was not like Jesus to party too hard but Lucifer convinced him that it would be funny to raid the Pumpkin Kingdom and maybe... toss a few of them.
The Pumpkin Kingdom and the United States of Heaven had long since shared a mutual Alliance but this simple act of tomfoolery and fun would lead to the greatest war ever fought. Ever. Anywhere.
Taken From World Map 1982
Seen here in a world map from 1982. The world was basically divided into three portions. On the left was Heaven, ruled by God, who is basically a well-tanned Gandalf and kicks it in Los Angeles for the most part. On the right was the illustrious Pumpkin Kingdom ruled by their master "Mr.Orange". Then to the south was Hell, ruled by the Corporation Taco Bell.
The devastation would last only three years and would claim almost all of the Angels and Pumpkin Soldiers currently living at the time. Yet when the dust had settled they would finally come to an agreement. This would be known as the Declaration of Independence.
In this Declaration Jesus and Mr.Orange met with the Elvish Lord Elrond and the Master Wizard Gandalf to in Cloud City which hovers just above what is now Wisconsin. It was at this monumental meeting that the lands of Heaven and the Pumpkin Empire were made independent and became the United States. To this day Hell remains the same and is currently operating under the tag "South America".
Cloud City Council.
To this day children express their love and joy at the founding of our country by splattering the carcass of a fallen Pumpkin Soldier all over pavement and feasting upon the delicious treats they are given for this kind of behavior. Dressing in traditional prostitute and monster costumes they take to the night to embrace the gifts War and Heaven have brought to them and smite their Pumpkin foes.
All images stolen from Wikipedia and all rights reserved to Wikipedia.org It's Public Domain suckas. Don't sue me.
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